Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet