If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
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ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Mood.. 😂
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
😂💯
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it