Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
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Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?