waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
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My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”