I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
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I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.