I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
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Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.