[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
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This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.