Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
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You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Okay
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired