if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
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Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
What about a To-Don’t List?
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ