me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
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the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.