My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
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The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out