Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
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If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
crochet youtube is brutal
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
happy friday
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
You wish you had this many chins.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”