If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
You Might Also Like
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Always 🥴
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.