Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
I’d use my best pan on you.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”