You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
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Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.