co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
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The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
SCARY COSTUME
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
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Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.