Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
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[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I need to get some bricks…
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.