People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
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The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Money is the root of all wealth
Ah..makes sense now
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend