My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
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Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Basically.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.