I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
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I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.