Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
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Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.