Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
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My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
who wants to go expliring
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal