There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
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[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.