Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
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WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator