My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
You Might Also Like
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?