fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
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Love is in the air fryer.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I think this should do it.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Its true…