“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.