*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
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single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Received some very disappointing news today
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”