As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.