Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
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What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA