Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
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Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
me logging onto twitter
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I ate everything, including the H.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE