But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
You Might Also Like
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce