“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
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Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.