Forever 21… pounds overweight
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Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off