Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
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Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
The best shot in the history of golf
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I have two kinds of followers
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill