You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
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Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
mechanics be like
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.