ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
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Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious