“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
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It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
584.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.