Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.