And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
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Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Love is in the air fryer.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
This is a bad sign
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.