Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
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I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*