Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
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My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
The glory of fall.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I have never related to a cat more
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…