I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
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“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
A classic…
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Got him!
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.