Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty