Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
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Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.