I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
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[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid