My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
You Might Also Like
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
😅🤣😂
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
…u ok Nintendo?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off