REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
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{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I am never leaving this website
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we鈥檙e avoiding at the grocery store
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
It鈥檚 so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it鈥檚 passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
me: goodnight moon 馃檪
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 馃檪
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 馃檪
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it鈥檚 just the tile pattern
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 馃槄馃ぃ馃槀
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.