Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
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One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”