HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
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“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.